Letter from Insane

Posted: October 7, 2010 in Letters v2
Tags: , , , , ,
II Da Youth,

Before I begin, I want you to know that I will not preach or talk too much about why I am in prison and how bad I used to be. However, I will share with you my experiences on how stressful and how bad it sucks to be doing time.

Imagine yourself as a lifer from an early age. All your freedom and fun you would’ve had is gone. Just sitting here inside these walls, with only limited things to do. I can’t help but think about the good ol’ days. I try not to, but at times my mind seems to always wander on it’s own: thinking about my family and friends, how they are doing, and the pain that I’ve caused them. I can still clearly remember looking back in the courtroom, I saw the tears as they rolled down my mother’s and sister’s faces, as they heard the verdict – “guilty”.
To this day, I continue to worry from hearing news of my mother having diabetes. One of my other sisters was shot and killed by her jealous boyfriend. My heart aches and misses them dearly. Besides my family, there are also the simple pleasures of life that I miss: beautiful girls, home cooked meals, and the son i still haven’t met. I often think of them all, and the simple things, trying to picture how my life would’ve been like if I was a free man.

Through all these pains I’ve learned to be patient and keep my anger in check as i deal with the other obstacles in prison: the ignorance of the other inmates and the guards who at times test my limits. Not too long ago I was walking the yard, enjoying the fresh air, when two guards approached me and one of them said, “Hands on the wall and strip down to your boxers.” “For what?” I asked. The guard said with a smile, “This is prison, I can do that.” I hesitated, but complied. After the guards left, my anger from the humiliation had set in. You wouldn’t know how badly I wanted to jump up and smash the guards’ face in. Wearing the badge didn’t give him the right to belittle me.

I said I will never give up, but I know that my chances of getting out are slim. In the meantime, I will continue to try to do everything I can to better myself so I won’t slip back to my hard headed ways. Through programs and school I’ve managed to maintain a sense of hope and keep what’s left of my sanity. Also, now that I’ve finally realized the importance of education, everyday seems to look and feel brighter.

If you can take away anything that I’ve said in this letter, please know that education is power. Giving up on education is like giving up on your life. So do the right thing, stay in school. Thanks again for your time and until next time. Take care.

Khmer Love,

Insane
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